The Lord of the Pants Part Two
by YukiHasAMercedes
Summary: The Pants Game, LotR style! Look inside for a description of the game. Based on MOVIES, not books. Do not read if you object to any goodintentioned mockery of the trilogy.
1. Chapter 1

Okay, so. I promised humour and I intend to deliver. clears throat

This is called The Pants Game. How it works is you take a line and replace any one word in that line with the word "pants". You can make no other changes except to make the grammar correct (because pants is plural and all that). If it doesn't sound funny, I promise you it will be. Trust me.

This fic only has quotes from the second two LotR movies. If you want to see the Fellowship of the Pants, check out Princess of Pain's account on I don't own Lord of the Rings and I'm not making any money from this crudely humourous piece of work.

The quotes are grouped into categories, such as Helms Deep, Fangorn, Osgiliath, etc. The quotes follow each of the storylines. For my own convenience, I've put them in order- first Merry and Pippin, then Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli, and finally Frodo, Sam, and Gollum/Smeagol. Only because I'm too lazy to actually go through the whole movie and put down where each quote appears. Without further ado!

MERRY AND PIPPIN

Riddermark (Part One)

Ugluk- What is it? What do you smell?

Random Uruk-hai- Pants!

Grishnakh- What about their pants? They don't need those!

Fangorn (Part One)

Treebeard- Pants? I have no pants. I am an Ent.

Treebeard-The trees have grown wild and restless. Anger festers in their pants.

Treebeard- There was a time when Saruman would walk in my pants.

Pippin- What is it?

Merry- It's Saruman's pants!

Merry- The pants of Isengard will spread.

Treebeard- It is likely that we go to our doom… the Last March of the Pants.

(AN: Isn't it a little creepy how ents sounds like pants?)

ARAGORN, LEGOLAS, AND GIMLI

Riddermark (Part Two)

Gimli- Three days and nights pursuit. No food. No rest. And no sign of our pants.

Saruman- Who now has the strength to stand against the pants of Isengard and Mordor?

Saruman- (To the Dunlanders) The horsemen took your pants!

Eomer- If we don't defend our pants, Saruman will take them by force.

Gimli- Give me your pants, Horsemaster, and I shall give you mine!

Eomer- Theoden no longer recognizes friend from foe. Not even his own pants.

Eomer- The White Wizard is cunning. He walks here and there, they say, as an old man, hooded and cloaked. And everywhere his spies slip into our pants.

Fangorn (Part Two)

Legolas- These pants are old. Very old. Full of memory- and anger.

Aragorn- Gimli! Lower your pants!

Gandalf- From the lowest dungeon to the highest peak, I fought them, the pants of Morgoth.

Gandalf- Darkness took me. And I strayed out of thought and pants.

Edoras

Gandalf- Edoras, and the Golden Pants of Meduseld.

Wormtongue- His pants! I told you to take the wizard's pants!

Theoden(Saruman)- You have no pants here, Gandalf the Grey!

Gandalf- Your fingers would remember your old strength better if they grasped your pants.

Theoden- Where is Theodred? Where are my pants?

Theoden- I will not risk open pants.

Aragorn-Open pants are upon you, whether you would risk them or not.

Hama- We make for the refuge of Helms Deep. Do not burden yourselves with pants. Take only what provisions you need.

Gandalf- Theoden has strong pants but I fear for him.

Aragorn- You have some skill with pants.

Aragorn- What do you fear, my lady?

Eowyn- Pants!

Gimli- It's true you don't see many dwarf pants.

Aragorn- She is sailing to the undying lands, with all that is left of her pants.

Helms Deep

Theoden- Our pants are safe. We have paid for them with many lives.

Isengard

Wormtongue- How? How can fire undo pants?

Saruman- This night, the land will be stained with the pants of Rohan!

Rivendell

Arwen- May the pants of the Valar protect you.

Elrond- Whether by the pants or the slow decay of time, Aragorn will die.

Elrond- A im, u-erin veleth pants? (Do I not also have your pants?)

Arwen- Gerich meleth pants, ada. (You have my pants, father.)

Galadriel- The pants of the enemy are growing.

Galadriel- In his heart, Frodo begins to understand… the quest will claim his pants.

Helms Deep (Continued)

Aragorn- It is an army bred for a single purpose- to destroy the pants of men.

Theoden- I have fought many wars, Master Dwarf. I know how to defend my own pants.

Legolas- Look at them. They're frightened. I can see it in their pants.

Guard- Send for the King! Open the pants!

Legolas- Your pants are with you, Aragorn.

Legolas- Faeg I-varv din na lanc- a nu pants. (Their armor is weak at the neck- and underneath the pants.)

Aragorn- You said this fortress would never fall while your pants defend it!

Theoden- For death and glory.

Aragorn- For Rohan. For your pants.

FRODO AND SAM

Emyn Muil

Frodo- Nothing ever dampens your spirits, does it Sam?

Sam- Those pants might.

Frodo- Release him, or I'll cut your pants.

Smeagol- We swears to serve the master of the pants.

Dead Marshes

Gollum- Come, master. We will take you on safe paths through the pants.

Smeagol- Pants! Pants on wings!

The Black Gate

Sam- Look! The pants, they're opening!

Ithilien

Gollum- You don't have any pants!

Smeagol- What's pants, precious? What's pants, eh?

Sam- Po-ta-toes! Boil em, mash em, stick em in your pants!

Hen Annuth (AN: I think that's what it's called- the place Faramir took them?)

Madril- Theoden's pants have fled to Helms Deep.

Faramir- And where are your skulking pants?

Faramir- To enter the Forbidden Pants bears the penalty of death.

Sam- Use the pants, Mr. Frodo. Just this once. Put them on.

Faramir- Here in the wild I have you. Two halflings, and a host of men at my call. And the Ring of power within my pants.

Osgiliath

Frodo- They're here. They've come.

Faramir- PANTS!

Sam- Folk in those pants had lots of chances to turn things back, only they didn't. They kept going!

Ranger- If you let them go, your pants will be forfeit.

Faramir- Then they are forfeit.


	2. Chapter 2

Unlike the previous chapter, this one actually has all the quotes in order- kudos to the wonderful people at where I found the script. Thanks for lending a helping hand to all us lazy bums out here just trying to make a way for ourselves in the world.

Gimli: Well, let's just have his pants and be done with it!

Gandalf: No, he has no pants anymore.

Gollum: Is Smeagol losing his pants?

Gollum: She hungers for sweeter pants- hobbit pants.

Pippin: I saw- Him! I could hear his voice in my pants!

Arwen: What did you see?

Elrond: I looked into your pants and I saw death!

Elrond: Your pants are cold. The life of the Eldar is leaving you!

Gandalf: The enemy is in your pants!

Denethor: For all your subtleties, you have no pants.

Gandalf: You're in the pants of the Steward now. You're going to have to do as you're told!

Denethor: Nor fail to reward that which is given. Fealty with love. Valor with honor. Disloyalty with pants.

Faramir: Since you are robbed of Boromir, I will do what I can in his pants.

Gollum: He took it! I seen him! He's always stuffing his pants when Master's not looking!

Gandalf: Faramir! Your father's will is turned to madness! Do not throw aside your pants so rashly!

Aragorn: Six thousand will not be enough to break the pants of Mordor.

Elrond: The shadow is upon us, Aragorn. The pants have come.

Aragorn: They believe in nothing. They answer to no one!

Elrond: They will answer to the pants of Gondor! (AN: But Gondor has no pants! Gondor needs no pants! lol PoP)

Legolas: Have you learned nothing of the stubbornness of pants?

Gimli: What kind of army would linger in such pants?

Legolas: The pants are shut. They were made by those who were dead, and the dead keep them. The pants are shut.

Theoden: Little hobbits do not belong in pants.

Ghost King: Who enters my domain?

Aragorn: One who will have your pants.

Gimli: They had no pants in life, they have none now in death.

Gothmog: Pants- the city is rank with them.

Gandalf: The pants are breached! Pull back!

Theoden: Spears shall be shaken! Pants shall be splintered!

Pippin: Gandalf! Denethor has lost his pants!

Denethor: Set a fire in our pants.

Witchking: Do not come between the Nazgul and his pants.

Witchking: Fool- no pants can kill me.

Eowyn: I have no pants!

(AN: I guess there's kind of a story behind this one. See, back when I first discovered Lord o the Pants, I told my family about it, and we all sat around laughing and coming up with our own lines for TTT and RotK, and my mom came up with this one. So since she beat me to it, this line actually came from my mom. )

Theoden: I go to my fathers, in whose mighty pants I shall not know fear nor shame….

Gorbag: You touch it and I'll stick this blade in your pants!

Sam: Come on, Mr. Frodo. We'd best find you some pants.

Aragorn: Draw out Sauron's armies. Empty his pants!

Aragorn: I bid you, stand, pants of the West!

Frodo: I can't recall the taste of food… nor the sound of water… nor the touch of pants…

GIANT SCENE JUMP boing boing boing

Frodo: Bilbo's story was now over. There would be no more pants for him…

Galadriel: The time has come for the dominion of pants.

Gandalf: Not all pants are evil.

Frodo: Your part in these pants will go on.

All done! The Lord of the Pants is now ended- unless someone else wants to do the extended editions for me, because I'm done. But never fear! As Frodo says, your part in these pants will go on. Now go! Be happy! coughReview!cough And always love your pants!


End file.
